San Bernardino, CA – Carson Miller (71), has been a participant in First Episcopal Diocese of San Bernardino Annual Spaghetti Cook-off, for the last 32 years. In those 30+ years, the highest he had ever placed was 2nd and Carson knew that 2nd place was just the first loser. For 2023 and lucky contest number 33, Carson decided used a secret ingredient that he was sure would give him that extra edge he needed to earn himself the blue ribbon he so desired.
Miller worked as a morgue assistant for San Bernardino County. For the 11 months leading up the cook-off, Carson collected the testes (balls) from deceased adult males. He would slice ’em, dice ’em and sew ’em up without attracting any attention. And who was going to notice the missing balls of a dead man anyway?
The night before the cook-off Carson was hard at work preparing his sauce and adding his secret ingredients. The next day when the judges went around tasting all the contestants entries, his table had the most attention. Judges were going back for second helpings, something they had never done with his previous entries. The time for the judges to crown a winner was soon approaching. One judge enjoyed his spaghetti and meatballs so much, that they went back for thirds. That third plate of spaghetti would turn out to be disaster for Carson Miller and his dreams of winning first place. That problem… a prosthetic testicle hidden amongst all the others!
The judge chomped down on a meatball and the silicone rubber testicle filled with saline exploded into his mouth and the jig was up. Upon closer inspection of Miller’s meatballs, a discovery was made. The meatballs were not meatballs in the traditional sense, but human testicles. Miller was arrested on site without incident. When asked if he would like an attorney, he would only respond by inquiring if he was the “winner” of the cook-off. Looks like he dropped the ball when it came to quality control. He need not worry about his meals for the next 20-25 years according to sources within the district attorneys office… if he lives that long.