Carterville, Il – Peggy Archibald (53), had been a participant in Carterville’s annual spaghetti sauce contest for the last 13 years. In those dozen plus years, the highest she had placed was 2nd and Peggy knew 2nd place was just the first loser. For 2023 and lucky contest number 14, Peggy used a secret ingredient that she was sure would give her that extra edge and earn herself the blue ribbon she so desired.
Archibald works as a morgue assistant for the County of Williamson. For the 11 months leading up the contest, Peggy collected the testes from deceased adult males. She would slice ’em, dice ’em and sew ’em up without attracting attention. And who was going to notice the missing balls of a dead man anyways?
The night before the contest Peggy was hard at work preparing her sauce and dropping in her secret ingredient, the testicles of dead men. The next day when the judges went around tasting all the contestants entries, her table had the most attention. Judges were going back for second helpings, something they had never done before with her previous entries. The time for the judges to crown a winner was soon approaching. One judge went back Peggy’s table for thirds. Only there would be a problem on that third plate of spaghetti that would derail all of Peggy Archibald’s dreams. That problem… a prosthetic testicle!
The judge chomped down on a meatball and the silicone rubber testicle filled with saline exploded into his mouth and the jig was up. Upon closer inspection of Archibald’s meatballs, a discovery was made. The meatballs were not meatballs in the traditional sense, but human testicles. Archibald was arrested on site without incident. When asked if she would like an attorney, she would only respond by inquiring if she had won the contest. Looks like she dropped the ball when it came to quality control. She need not worry about her meals for the next 10-15 years according to sources inside the district attorneys office.